Amuse your children this Christmas without overwhelming the NHS with the most ambitious construction kit ever: Lego Pandemic Test and Trace: Survival Mission.
They’ll have months of fun trying to work out how all the pieces fit together, which parts are missing and who to blame. They will be so busy they won’t want to leave the house – even if they could.
The kit is the brainchild of the Department of Health and Social Care, Deloitte (who are writing the assembly instructions), Serco and other partners too expensive to mention.
The manufacturers claim their latest set is great for stimulating young minds as they work to save the population from an imaginary pandemic using nothing more than some plastic bricks, a few thousand management consultants and £12 billion.
“It’s got the most incredible figures ever – and we don’t just mean the price tag!” said a Lego spokesperson.
The challenge is to construct a model that can get the R rate down before it’s too late. It’s all the more fun because it’s a race against time. Take too long and granny won’t be there on Christmas Day whether the lockdown rules are relaxed or not. Fail to put all the pieces in the right place and thousands more will die.
Amaze everyone by pretending you can perform thousands of tests a day long before you really can (tip: if your siblings are on to you and threatening to call a press conference, distract them with the Lego Apollo XI Moonshot Set – available never).
Improve your presentation and dissembling skills by holding daily briefings with authentic chief medical officer and secretary of state figures (purchase separately as the Lego Fall Guy Set).
Build some extra hospitals just in case your Test and Trace system is not finished in time. Use any old Lego buildings and rename them Nightingales. Don’t forget to fill them with doctors and nurses (currently out of stock).
Make sure your system has full national coverage by purchasing extra Management Consultant figures (£2000 each – only available in packs of 1000) and Serco operative add-on packs (instructions and training optional).
Don’t forget to do something about care homes, part of the Lego Social Care range (discontinued).
Make sure you equip everyone with personal protective equipment (PPE), preferably before you start. Have hours of fun deciding which of your suppliers to put in the fast lane and which ones are going to have to wait in line for contracts (tip: perhaps start with the ones you went to school with or who know your parents).
The Pandemic set features some of our most lifelike figurines ever, including:
- The Matt Hancock man-of-action figure with interchangeable grave and enthusiastic expressions. Comes with own horse and stable door (bolt available separately)
- Flameproof Dido Harding figure. Needs to be purchased separately as part of the exclusive Lego Cronies set
- Simon Stevens figure with fully raisable eyebrows
- Chris Whitty figure with integral wheels for ease of rolling out at briefings
- Roving Dominic Cummings figure – comes with range of unbelievable explanations, eye test kit and separate box for clearing desk
- PPE procurement go-between figure (£21m extra)
- Lego Prime Minister with clip-on hair, authentic clapping hands and range of different modes including clown and Churchillian statesman. Have fun making him up as you go along, just like the real PM
Having trouble putting it all together? Experiencing breathing difficulties as a result of anything the government has asked you to swallow? Please direct any complaints about missing parts or family members to the NHS, which will be picking up the pieces long after you’ve given up hope of ever getting your Lego Pandemic finished.
(c) 2020 Julian Patterson