They’re all in it together, Twitter investigation reveals

Dido Harding will use part of the money she made from the Test and Trace programme to redecorate Boris Johnson’s Number 10 Downing Street flat, a Twitter investigation has revealed.

Baroness Harding, who is married to a man who once dined on children, has personally made £37 billion in her position as head of Test and Trace. She plans to spend at least £2 billion of this on Farrow and Ball paint and furniture from posh designers Florence Knoll and Michel Ducaroy.

The lavish spending spree, enough to buy every poor person in the world their own foodbank, will be a gift to Harding’s Tory chums Boris Johnson and Carrie Fisher, the multimillionaire Star Wars actress who faked her own death to move in with the Prime Minister. Fisher, a former alien from the future, is widely believed to be the real decision-maker at Number 10.

Dido’s personal income from Test and Trace was set out in small print in budget documents, the doctor who broke the story explained last night. “You have to ask why the Tory media, political commentators and economic experts missed it,” she tweeted. “Next they’ll be telling us it wasn’t there!”

Heartless health secretary Matt Hancock frolicking in a park in the midst of NHS budget cuts

A clap in the face

Harding, who regularly hunts pandas with health secretary Matt Hancock and once met Bill Gates, is a key part of the plan to destroy the NHS so it can be sold off to American mega-corporation Netflix.

Twitter sources revealed that she is a close ally of businessman Rishi Sunak, who is said to control the finances of a sinister £2 trillion consortium called “The UK” and is a neighbour and known associate of the prime minister. Investigators on social media said that Sunak’s crumbling empire was virtually bankrupt with debts in excess of its income and a long queue of angry creditors demanding their money back.

“That’s why the NHS budget is being slashed by £300 billion a year,” they concluded.

The savings will be used to pay for new public schools, new curtains for Mr Sunak’s swanky central London town house, and a high-speed rail link to Ms Fisher’s home planet Alderaan.

A spokesman for the British Medical Association described the NHS cuts as “a huge clap in the face for frontline NHS staff”.

Frolicking minister

While pandemic deaths soared and budget cuts raged, Matt Hancock, the man personally responsible for poverty, disease, economic disaster and outdated NHS IT systems was seen running in a London park, apparently oblivious to the global chaos he presides over.

As leading political commentator and Twitter paramedic Graham said: “Bloody typical. This proves he doesn’t care. They’re all in it together.”

(c) 2021 Julian Patterson

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